I am not beautiful, and each glance in the mirror only reinforces this feeling.

My nose doesn’t rise, my eyes lack their sparkle, and my tawny skin seems to deepen my sense of being unseen.

"Foolish," whispers reason.

My vision of perfection is but a dream, shared by many souls longing for their own ideal.

Yet, these feelings cannot deceive; they softly murmur, "You are unworthy, forever overlooked."

This body questions why it must differ, why every effort toward perfection feels in vain.

Once more, a gentle voice within my chest whispers, "You will never be perfect in the eyes of others."

But one day, time will reveal

amidst the bustle and clamor,

that my imperfections will shine brightly

in the eyes of the one who is right.

Life Lately: The Unexpected Twists

Hey there, it’s me, Gestina, the same person who wrote the first post in this blog. Life has a funny way of changing things up, doesn’t it? It feels like the rhythm of my life is the same, yet the way I navigate through it has shifted dramatically. Where do I even begin? There’s been so much happening that it’s hard to keep track.

What’s Stayed the Same?

     First things first, I’m still single. Yep, all this time, still solo, and honestly, I’m over it. People keep telling me to "enjoy the single life," but how can I when I’ve been single forever?

     Is this really supposed to be fun? I know I don’t fit into the conventional standards of beauty, and I’m okay with that—well, most of the time. But do I get tired of being alone? Absolutely. Do I sometimes cry about it? Yeah, I do. But I’m leaving it in God’s hands and trusting that when the time is right, things will change.

     Then there’s my insomnia. Ugh, it’s been my constant companion. Night after night, I lie there, eyes closed but mind racing. It’s so stressful, especially knowing I have to be up and functioning the next day. Panadol has become my best friend, helping me through those dreadful migraines when I miss out on sleep for two days straight.

     But there’s a bit of a silver lining—I finally reached out to a doctor via Halodoc. The consultation was a mix of relief and shock. Apparently, it’s not as serious as I feared; just some trauma-related stress. And no, I’m not crazy! The doctor prescribed some medication, though it’s pretty expensive, and I’ll need to take it for six months to a year. The good news? It’s helping me sleep better. I’ll keep you updated on how it goes.

What’s Changed?

     Now, onto the changes. The biggest one? I moved from Wates to Jakarta. It wasn’t a total shock—I knew this move was coming, especially with my career as a UI/UX Designer. But life threw me a curveball. I got laid off from MAPAN, a company I adored. That really broke my heart because I loved the people, the work environment, and the flexibility of working from home. But, life goes on.

     Before I was laid off, I had already started applying to other companies—over 50, to be exact. Eventually, I landed a job at Sinarmas, thanks to a recommendation from a colleague. The pay is good, especially for a fresh graduate like me, and I’m grateful given the tough job market right now.

     But—there’s always a “but,” isn’t there? The job itself has been really stressful. I’m in a new role as a UX Researcher, something I have no prior experience in, and it’s been giving me major anxiety. I constantly worry that I’m not good enough, especially when I compare myself to my super-talented colleagues and bosses. They seem to have it all figured out, while I’m just here, trying not to drown. But I’m determined to work hard, learn as much as I can, and hopefully, prove to myself that I can do this.

The Silver Lining

     Despite all the stress, I have to admit—I like Jakarta. It’s full of surprises, and there’s so much to do on the weekends. I’ve made some great friends here, too. The downside? I’ve been a bit too spendy. With so many tempting things around and having my own salary, it’s been hard to keep my finances in check. I’m trying to be more disciplined, though. I’ve started investing a little, just to keep things balanced.

     Anyway, that’s enough typing for now. Thanks for reading, and until next time!

Hi, kembali lagi dengan perjalanan pendewasaan,
Setiap hari bagai daun jatuh tertiup angin,
Waktu berlari seperti aliran sungai yang tak henti mencari muara,
Membawa kita pada liku-liku yang tak terduga.

Dalam sekejap, senyum merekah bagai bunga di musim semi,
Namun, di detik berikutnya, air mata turun seperti hujan deras di musim kemarau.
Fase pertama, kita menggugat langit yang bisu,
Fase kedua, cermin menjadi lawan yang kejam.
Dan di fase terakhir, kita belajar menari di atas luka,
Menerima bahwa badai adalah bagian dari tarian hidup ini.

Menjadi dewasa, seperti memikul gunung di atas punggung,
Tangis yang terpendam hingga suara pun tercekat,
Ekspektasi yang kita pelihara seperti bibit di ladang,
Kadang layu sebelum sempat berbuah.

Dewasa, tak lagi soal diri sendiri,
Ada cahaya mata orang tua yang menanti bahagia,
Ada ladang kehidupan yang harus dijaga.
Namun, percayalah, kamu adalah perahu yang kuat,
Mengarungi lautan hidup, menuju pelabuhan yang penuh harapan.

Hi, good night, all.

It’s been a while since I shared my silly thoughts on this small blog, hihi.

By the way, happy fasting and enjoy Ramadan! :)

......

Such a simple prologue,

How's life been? (again)

Is it boring or challenging? Too hard, or are you happy?

Hmm, I hope you’re all finding joy in wherever life takes you.

So, today, I'll share my story—how I’ve been stumbling through life,

What I feel, and just some random thoughts.

Here we go!!!

Every day, I follow the same routine,

Like a "cuan fighter" battling through the hours, HAHA.

Yes, I’ve taken on two internships at once,

A big risk, a long challenge against time.

Maybe it’s a bit unprofessional, but that’s where I am right now.

I’m interning at two big companies,

From 10 AM to 5 PM, and sometimes into the night.

Some might see me as ambitious, but that’s not my intention.

Honestly, I wasn’t sure if this was the right decision,

But, surprisingly, I’m enjoying it, guys.

First, there’s Mapan, a company that might not be familiar to most,

But guess what? It’s part of GOJEK!

I started on February 7th and was supposed to end on May 7th, 2022.

But I’m honored my boss wants to extend my contract (for who knows how long).

I’m so happy my efforts are appreciated, and I always do my best,

Completing tasks quickly and efficiently.

Mapan feels like home to me,

Especially the Product Design team—so friendly, so kind.

A special shoutout to Mas Icaks, Mb Zulfa, Mas Nathan, Mb Icha, and Mas Aan—

They’re all so kind and always appreciate my work.

Can you believe they graduated from top universities abroad,

Yet remain so humble and professional?

Thank God I get to work with them.

Honestly, UI Design wasn’t my passion at first,

So I was shocked when they accepted me as an intern.

I was the only intern, alone in this new world,

But I’m learning more every day.

Second, there’s TaniHub Group,

Where I was also surprised to be contacted for an internship (through the MBKM program).

I had almost given up hope of being accepted anywhere.

I started as a UX Researcher, a role I was eager to dive into because I love research.

I met Mas Robert, a Senior UX Researcher who has worked at Tokopedia, TaniHub, etc.

He’s amazing, always sharing his knowledge,

But then, sadly, TaniHub hit hard times,

And many workers were laid off, including all the UX researchers—

Including Mas Robert.

Just as I was beginning to learn UX professionally, everything changed.

I was moved to another division,

Back to Product Design (why, again and again?).

But no worries, I can still learn there.

I’m now on a different team, just me and my senior, Mas Anjas.

If you want to imagine his face, think of REFAL HADY, HAHAHA.

He’s the "just relax" type, and I felt awkward at first.

After all, it’s just the two of us working together.

Honestly, TaniHub and Mapan have completely different vibes,

But I’m learning to enjoy it.

DO YOU GUYS THINK MY LIFE IS BORING?

Yes, sometimes I do too.

I feel like I’m always working on my laptop every day,

But guys, I feel more valuable now.

I can pay for my daily needs, learn about investing,

Pay my university fees, and so much more.

I hope everyone can feel this way too.

Sorry again if this was just a random ramble.

See you guys on the next journey :)

Hi Guys , Its 30'th January

How's life? Hope you can enjoy your last free time this semester. Fighting!!

Btw I was thinking about going constantly write about any random things that happened and my weird thought:v about something. I want that blog going to be an everlasting diary that I can read many years later. 

Guys btw did you know that the college environment was so damn scary sometimes. We always compare each other with how to hustle you are, changing the role on Linkedin, or just feeling insecure with someone who always showing their productivity on social media (I'm also showing it but not that "alay" :v). Actually, I was always hide the story that make me feel insecure and getting a panic attack bcs of it. 

Btw 

First of all, do you guys feel that " I have to be independent" all the time? Yes, I feel that. Just many years ago, when I watch a serial on tv that show how a couple of struggling for their life because they are a poor family but in the other side her/his mother is rich. I think that is why they don't ask for help from their family? Isn't easy?. So I just got the answer right now. I was born not in a poor family or a rich family but in the middle of that. Sometimes I feel like, asking for money from my parents was so damn hard. Not bcs they don't want to give it to me, but feels like it. It was a burden cause they have many important things that they have to afford. So, why do I have to add them as a burden again?. This kind of thing that always been in my head till now. AND ITS THE BEGINNING OF HOW I STRUGGLE TO BE AN INDEPENDENT :'( 

Everyone may be just thinking that " Why are you always being an ambitious person, just relax, enjoy your life, you're too serious ". Hey you, I'm not too serious bcs my life isn't a joke. Upsie 

I was so serious in everything, I don't know since when (I think it since I was in senior high school). I have to try everything that I can to buy everything that I want. Yash thanks to my dear family for teaching me how to struggle to have something. Actually, I have an inner child issue that people around me always degrade me and although I've achieved something, I'm still bad and just easy to degrade and sham me. Yash I exactly know that I'm not a perfect gurl being. Just b aja in everything. 

But (again lol)

Hey yo, you guys who feel like "being the worst people ever", always feel humiliated. HEY YOU CAN PROVE THAT YOU'RE 1000 % BETTER THAN THEM. If somebody doesn't believe in you, at least here I'm who always supports you. cyayoooooo....

.

.

.

Why I'm so random:v 

so sorry that post just to random :)

Hi everyone, I hope that you guys doing well and for someone that trying to be okay. Fighting !!

This is not a poem page or something like that. I just want to express my feeling that I feel right know and I know that this is exactly just me that read this page lmao :).

Hi, how's life? 

Is it too much challenge right? 

is to too hard for you? yash no problem thats normal and I feel so. 

I've just heard a podcast that so deep and give me some insight and can calm my brain for a while.

"Night not always night, morning not always morning, and afternoon not always afternoon. Life is go on, sometimes we are on the top and sometime on the bottom and will always keep spinning. You didnt face the problem alone. Everyone exactly have their own problem. Our shoes is not exactly in the same size , our capacity is not the same but we all exactly given a problem. God exactly know we can throught that, so just face it although it with many tears"

That podcast remain me that not only me that face that painful thing. Something that also remain me about life that when I was in the train and see many kind of activities outside and see their house. Honestly I always imagine if I was them and how can I survive at that situation. Even if I just use my sister's PC and always lagging at that time and it was so frustating and also just in case I have no phone data I was literally not on my mood. Yash but they can enjoy their live and face that situation. (so sorry I was so random and just wrote what in my mind :")

by the way, I just want to share what I face in one month lately that I think its so much challenging and lil bit painful maybe (no drama but to be honest yes ). I am a type of a person that always overthinking, panic for all of the thing, ambitious sometime and careless of course. I always think more deeper something that maybe not important and that makes me got an insomnia. Oh ya insomnia was literally my big problem. Just in one week I cant sleep 4 days (not directly) , shit its make me always getting GERD problem and got psikosomatis problem. Dear friend who wanna tell me some bad thing or I just make problem , dont tell me at night (wait until morning) cause definitely I got insom and it make my chest was so painfulllll. 

Everyone who wanna share how can deal with insom pls share the tips ( except just said dont think too much cause I can't). 

Oh yaa its just came to my mind. I wanna thanks for the problem that I've got face , I learned a lot and made me decide to just focus on my life, focus how to improve my life and also don't intervene other people problem. I feel sorry for everything and definetely Im so sorry. I feel more knowing my self than before. Hmmm but for reach that kind of wisdom , I have to sick for 3 days first, poor me. Talking about health, I was curios why I have many kind of health issues and easy to get sick and it makes me feel so sorry to my mother who always take care of me ( literally I wanna cry and love you). Hope my health issue getting better.

Lastly (so sorry that post was so random) I WANNA THANKS TO MY DEAR FRIEND who always by my side that I know  just can be counted on one finger.Thanks for always give me some spirit and calm me down. Literally you are my best. 

Dialog perjumpaan akhir tahun

Ada harap yang masih diusahakan dalam doa

Ada rindu yang masih menjelma kaca hingga awan serupa karung kumal

dan ada gagal yang masih meminta untuk dimaklumkan

Semarak ramai mengucapkan kesemogaan dalam tahunan selanjutnya

Kesenangan menyambut baru padahal diri belum jauh berubah dari lama yang telah berlalu

Banyak yang sengaja melupakan yang sudah terjadi karena tak ingin lagi terjebak sendiri

Sedikit yang tersisa mulai berbenah kalau disadari waktu tak lama lagi

Lalu kau akan menemukan pertanyaan berulang yang selalu terjadwal untuk topik ini,

Apa yang akan kau lakukan selanjutnya?

Pikirku yang tak ingin menggebu-gebu hanya berani memberikan asumsi

Secuil langkah yang kita lewati, banyak memberi pelajaran

Bahwa apa yang bersama kita kerjakan, ternyata tak cukup mudah untuk di jalankan.

Sebuah kedewasaaan yang pelan pelan mulai memahami arti sebuah perjalanan

Hidupmu semakin penuh dengan tanggapan orang lain yang katanya ikut campur ataupun memang peduli

Terkesan menuntut dan mau tak mau kau turuti lalu mengeluh lagi

Nyatanya? Yang dijalani, tak seperti apa yang oranglain katakan.

Berputar pada putaran yang sama, diam dalam titik yang sama.

Kita adalah pengendali, dan jangan terjebak pada labirin yang kita buat sendiri.

- gestina & kalya